life lately

the mess and beauty in being

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Devotion ft Dijon on repeat, Justin’s rich but poorly named and narrated album has unexpectedly getting me through. late nights, bedtimes skimming too close to sunrise mind racing, pondering ‘what am I doing with my life?’ Head in books that feel a little too close to reality, Living Single on constant run, skipping church because confronting God feels a little muddy right now. Big life upheavals craning their necks towards me whilst I watch friends? a couple? humans giggling on the tube at 10.28pm - the jubilee line’s decor is unsure which century it’s in - both wearing the latest trends, dinner in their laps and I am mesmerised by how teeth change our faces. the way we hold laughter in, joy, in our mouths and eyes. anticipation held in joy and hope, worry dissappaits with peace.

My favourite socks have holes in them. I’m trying more with my style, fixing my posture and accidentally drinking less caffeine, consuming more water because dehydration is something I can no longer get away with - I feel it in the waking after the naps I’ve unintentionally stumbled upon (is this ageing?). Bouncing between Let God Sort ‘Em Out, Running Boy, Lefty, GNX, Turbulent Indigo, Chromakopia & Keep Me on Your Mind/See You Free. Picking a mood is a task like the bottomless whole of my stomach during luteal phase. I’m still figuring out how to balance anger and hope, joy and grief, love and hate, uncertainty and assurance, doing too much and not enough - does balance exist?

I wrap my hair in a silk scarf now, sleep mask over and occasionally use magnesium even when I feel too lazy because they are little acts of kindness to myself when my laziness feels more of an attack than a protector now a days. listening to The Monkey Song whilst texting friends on the train on my morning commute.

Apparently I’ll be making t-shirts in the autumn, maybe I should take my art seriously. Realising I haven’t engaged my brain properly in a year, the fear of starting over. The fear of starting, full stop. Being a beginner again when I was an expert, am I really taking myself seriously? You know you can just start over and be as you dream?

A slow laugh, sped up by worry, giggles and presence. Doubt! Constant doubt amidst peace, reassurance sought in quiet conversations over coffee, then I see her as I worry in my car: in a black i10 Hyundai, white hair tied back in mid ponytail gold hoops in ears, cigarette in her right hand amongst a frail frail, stern face, wrinkles deeply embedded into her face, the things I would do to feel the texture of the the ridges, leather yet soft, beauty in years, the way her eyes crinkle in the corners I have never see laughter more beautiful, God! aging is a privilege! love is abundant even amidst hurt. we are so beautiful.

Waiting to skim sunrises is exhausting. sleep! I need sleep.